the wonders of our bodies and breath

dear sass,
sometimes death feels so close! today i cut away the skin of lydia's arm and held between my fingers the nerves of her brachial plexus - the very ones she used to feel everything from her breast to the tip of her pinkie, to move the muscles of her hand. i found an anomaly in her left brachial artery - i was probably the first one ever to know about it. i feel busy, flustered, honored, lonely...when will i sink into the arms of my beloved? when will i feel calm again?

yours,
lg in bloomsburg, PA

Dear Lenya,

What rushed into my head when I first read your words was, "Lenya, I assure you that at this moment you are nestled deeply, perhaps more deeply than you have ever been, in the arms of the beloved." Which maybe isn't exactly what you meant, but it is what I overwhelmingly wanted to say to you.

Then I thought about the time last summer when I renewed my licence and elected to be an organ donor. It was scary to imagine myself dead and dissected, but I wanted to do it (I hope not too much because of all of the organ transplant episodes of Gray's Anatomy I'd been watching.) Reading your email, I realized how rare it is that death feels close, though it is close all the time. My close encounters with death have brought a deep sense of connectedness with something bigger than myself and the habits of daily life. They have filled me with peace, even as they filled me with fear and sadness. It's really a privilege to be aware of the closeness of death.

And then this: Lydia is you, Lenya! a whole perfectly embodied, unique human being! And the profound intimacy you are having with her body at this moment is no more awesome, no more an honor than the profound intimacy you experience each day living within your own body. I read today that no single experience we can have over the course of our lifetime is as miraculous as the simple fact of our breath going in and out at each and every moment. This was very comforting to me. 

As for calm- it seems like it may be a while before your external life can be a source of that. And we're both wise enough to know not to count on our external lives for our inner peace anyway. Besides, rooted in our bellies every time we breathe is an infinite source of deep calm. I've always been impressed at how close yours is to the surface. Even if it's a little harder to access now, I know it's still there.

 

Yours Truly,

Sass