Kidney the Great and the Geet

Dear Sass,
I feel stuck and angry- I have to complete graduate school to get the degree I have been working towards, even though I feel like I have outgrown most of what the program has to offer me. I do not like my teachers, (I only have two) and especially consider one of them to be an incompetent, self-serving and manipulative person. I spend a great deal of time angry over the fact that this person is in a position of power over me, that he will ultimately approve or deny my thesis, and could possibly hamper my future career options if I do not maintain a civil attitude towards him. I also spend a lot of time angry with myself for dwelling on how much I despise him. Normally in a situation like this I would simply try to get out of it and look for better environments to be in. However, because of the commitment I have made to finishing this degree I just have to deal with it for six more months. I used to speak my mind and tell him when I disagreed, but I no longer feel I can do that without blowing up. So, I am now in a state where I basically shut myself down so as not to have to interact, which is another way I am letting him control me. How do I proceed for the next six months without being dominated by my anger?

Thanks for any advice you can give.
Kidney

Dear Kidney,

It takes strength and courage to give voice to hard, uncomfortable feelings and experiences without tying it all up by saying, "but it's ok, I'm fine". Sometimes it's totally not ok, and I think that one of the healthiest things we can do is fully acknowledge when that's the case. Thanks for giving such a clear and beautiful example of what that looks like.

You are powerful, mighty, intelligent, and creative. If you don't already have a daily affirmation practice, I recommend starting one along those lines. Let it be a mantra. Say it whenever you remember to. So many of the structures within which we find ourselves relating to others are based on bogus power differentials that leave us feeling disappointed and angry, disempowered and inadequate. And so often in order to be "successful" within those structures, we feel we have to abandon parts of ourselves, or at least put them away for a little while.  

I recently had the privilege of attending a seminar on the Bhagavad Gita, which I skimmed through when I was fifteen and everything Eastern seemed subversive and cool but have never given a serious reading to. The Geet (which everyone at this seminar called it, like Buch instead of Kombucha) begins with a conversation between Krishna and the warrior Arjuna, who is struggling with the question of whether or not to kill his enemies in war when those enemies are also his family members. Krishna begins by saying something along the lines of, "don't be so silly and self-important. We are all perfect, eternal, and whole. You couldn't kill another being even if you wanted to, since this body we're all inhabiting at the moment is disposable anyway and our true selves are eternal. Do your duty now, which involves defending your kingdom- that's your path." That's interesting, but doesn't sit very well with me- being a person who values highly the specific individual embodied experience, however fleeting. What really got me excited was when Krishna says that while it's ok morally for Arjuna to kill his enemies (since he's not really killing them anyway) it may not be very wise, for he'll just be postponing the deeper resolution that the situation is asking for. In other words, if Arjuna kills his enemies, they will surely meet in another life. And the next time around, his enemies will seek revenge and will probably kill him, and so on and so on for lifetimes. The teacher of the seminar summarized by saying the following: If we're all in it together forever and ever and ever, let's stop with the hurting each other and do something really cool!

So there's that. . . and I guess why I'm sharing it now is that it might be interesting to think about being in your situation in (at least) the following two ways: 1.) This is a truly unfortunate and disappointing experience that is unique and will be over in six months. Take excellent care of yourself in all of the ways that you can, empower yourself every day in whatever small ways that you can, stand up for those things that you feel you can stand up for and be incredibly patient and forgiving of yourself in those times when you choose not to confront an issue as it arises. Remind yourself often that this person's power is illusory, however much it impacts your daily life at present- you are the sole actor in your life- this guy is just an unfortunate extra. Continue to reach out to friends, ask for tons of support and encouragement. 2.) This specific experience contains the elements of a crucial conflict that you are being asked to address and resolve. You will probably continue to encounter it in various guises throughout this, and if your belief system allows, many lifetimes to come. The reason you are encountering it is that as you engage and resolve various layers of this conflict, you will reach fuller and richer expressions of yourself. So follow all recommendations above, but additionally ask yourself: what do I have the opportunity to address this time? what can I transform, however small, so that the next time I encounter this challenge it will be a little bit easier?

I will be thinking of you in the coming months, sending you love and support. Please keep me posted on how things go.

Sincerely,

Sass